Communication is key to any successful relationship – romantic or otherwise. But, usually, we don’t learn what communicating well is! There was no class in school (not even a damn elective!) that helps us learn how to communicate in our relationships. Plus, the communication ‘vibe’ or ‘flow’ in your relationship can take time to create and figure out.
However, there are a few words that you may be using every day that may be causing serious damage. These words are so common in our thoughts and language that we use them without even realizing it. Isn’t it crazy that we could be self-sabotaging ourselves and our partner(s) without even realizing it?
Here are the three super common words that are destined to damage the communication in your relationships:
First, let me ask you.. what actually happens at all times on all occasions? NOT A LOT. The word ‘always’ has a super rigid feeling to it. It’s essentially telling someone that something they have done or do happens every single time. This word does not lend itself to understanding in any way. Instead, it implies that there’s no room for change or growth.
“You always do this,” is a great example of a misuse of the word. Or, “we always disagree on how we spend money!” It could be, “he always wants to have sex in the morning and I don’t!”
There’s nothing like telling someone they do something absolutely, 100% of the time to get them defensive.
Here are some examples:
- “You always jump down my throat when I get home..”
- “I always mess this up..”
- “We always do this..”
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Similarly, the word never is also absolute and super rigid.
“Never” also implies a sense of finality and hopelessness.
When you use the word never, you are telling your partner (or whoever you’re talking to) that there is no hope for changing anything. It’s pretty impossible for someone to actually never do something. (Of course, there are things like allergies – where you will never eat something. That isn’t what we’re talking about here.)
Additionally, never is a word that holds us all back. We, as human beings, use the word both verbally and in our thoughts. How could these thoughts be holding you back?
- “We’ll never be able to afford that house..”
- “I’ll never jump that high..”
- “I never get this right..”
- “You never clean up after yourself..”
Remember: Just because you’ve never done something before, doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t now or in the future.
Finally, the worst culprit of all… SHOULD!
This word is so complex, that we have numerous blog posts and podcast episodes on it.
So many of our worst thoughts against ourselves begin with the phrase “I should..”
We tend to should all over ourselves, our partners, and everyone else. We try so hard to keep our thoughts up in our minds – however, not much can stay private up there. As a result, thoughts related to ‘should’ come out in our tone, our actions, and our moods.
One of the first things I work on with both individuals and couples is looking at how often the word “should” is used. Some choose to track it on their phones, write it down, or just generally observe if and when they use the word. Typically, people are shocked at how often they are using this word.
Here are some examples of the word in action:
- “I should really go to the gym today..”
- “You should lose some weight..”
- “We should we having sex 4 times a week..”
- “Our family should be closer than this..”
- “We shouldn’t be arguing on our vacation..”
Not only are these three words truly toxic to our relationships, but also to our sense of self. How often are you telling yourself that you always do something wrong, or never get it right? Or maybe how you should be making X amount of money or should be having kids by now?
In conclusion, taking the time to be mindful of your word choices, catching these 3 toxic words, and then changing them will change many aspects of your life. Truly!
Some Questions to Ponder…
:: What would your life and relationships look like if these words weren’t in your vocabulary?
:: Would different things become possible?
:: Are there limitations that would be removed from yourself?
To help you change your language and communicate in the most effective way possible, we created the WWC Communication Scripts. Click the image below to get your copy! ⬇️