Sex.

It’s a part of everyone’s lives (for the most part), and yet, there is so much mystery, shame, and fear around it.

Part of our mission at here at Wright Wellness Center is to talk about the things that other people aren’t talking about and provide accurate information to you.

A few months ago, we sent out an anonymous survey to our online therapeutic community to ask them a few questions. One of the questions we asked was:

What do you wish you could ask a lesbian about sex? 

And, wow. Did everyone have questions!

So, what did we do?

Well, we’re lucky enough to have some dear friends who identify as lesbian that were wonderful enough to answer your questions! Both the question askers and the question answers will remain anonymous. We hope that these responses provide you with clarity and more understanding of someone else’s experience in the world, sexually!

When is it over?

Woman #1: Every couple and person is different. Some women can orgasm multiple times, and other women just may be one orgasm and done. I would say that’s it’s over when both parties are satisfied. Sometimes sex just simply feels good but may not result in a “finish.”

Woman #2: I have had sex last 10 minutes.  I have had sex last 3 hours.  Sometimes it ends because you’re out of time or tired.  Sometimes it ends because there has been a lot of stimulation and you just feel way too sensitive in your lady parts. Sometimes there is an unspoken understanding that you are both satisfied.  Sometimes there’s a high five at the end.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

Do you miss the penetration and the intimacy associated with it?

Woman #1: As a lesbian who has never slept with a man, I have no idea what I am “missing out” on because to me I’m not missing anything. Using a strap-on can provide face to face sex. However, using fingers can as well. I feel plenty intimate with my partner, in the act of sex, no matter what that “looks like.” You’re connecting with your person.

Woman #2: There can be penetration in lesbian sex, and there is for sure intimacy.  There isn’t a gatekeeper that only allows a penis to penetrate a woman.  I keep my fingernails short for the occasion.  It proves useful; I have much more control over where my fingers go vs. how much control a man has with his penis. Some women don’t like penetration.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

How do you decide whose turn it is?

Woman #1: In my relationship, there is a dominant and a submissive person; but there is also stimulation for one partner, by getting the other offer first. Not all my partners have been this way; I don’t believe that there is a turn, simply who feels more dominant at the time.

Woman #2: In my experience, it has just been an unspoken thing that unfolds.  Occasionally there will be someone that prefers to give or receive.  Sometimes it’s an equal split, and you take turns.  Usually, there is some foreplay that can be done where both parties are giving and receiving and then someone may initiate oral or whatever else.  I guess it has to do with the dynamic of the relationship or how someone is feeling at the moment. Sometimes common courtesy dictates that I give because I have been receiving without giving back recently.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

What’s the preferred sex method?
Eating, scissoring, strap-on….

Woman #1: Every time is different, and it’s whatever works for your partner. I have been with women who prefer not to be touched but be the aggressor and women who do you not want to touch me but want to be touched by me. Sex looks different for every person. Personally, I love to give and receive oral, but I also love wearing a strap-on. More commonly I have found that women prefer oral with penetration. And penetration could be used with a dildo, a vibrator, a strap-on, fingers, anal plug, etc.

Woman #2: Each person is different, but I enjoy oral sex.  I enjoy giving and receiving.  I find pleasure in helping other people reach their pleasure.  I can say that I get asked about scissoring a lot. I think the idea behind it is to stimulate each other’s clitoris at the same time.  That is the only logical conclusion I have come to.  I can also say that it isn’t that easy to do and therefore is NOT my preferred method.  There are other positions that are not scissoring where that theory can be accomplished.  It’s about lining it up properly.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

How do you pleasure your partner?

Woman #1: I have been with my person for three years, and we are both very sexually open to one another’s ideas. Sometimes we are both in the mood for our strap-on, sometimes it’s oral, and sometimes it’s different positions other than missionary. I think having a vocal partner is nice because she is willing to tell me what she needs or I can hear from her responses how I’m doing and satisfying her. Sex for me is about satisfying or pleasing my partner, however that looks to them, at the time. Sometimes pleasure for my partner is pleasuring me.

Woman #2: However she would like to be pleasured.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

Is it mostly just utilizing toys and oral sex?

Woman #1: Yes and no. There’s a lot of foreplay and use the fingers as well. Sometimes there’s grinding with legs and bodies. I don’t actually know of any lesbians who scissor, although I’ve tried it, it’s just awkward and funny. More often than not, we don’t use toys at all.

Woman #2: Ask a handful of lesbians how they define “sex, ” and you will get a handful of answers. Some define it as anything that can have you reach climax, some say it’s anything intimate, and some say oral sex defines lesbian sex.  So I guess its whatever you want it to be.  I travel the road of foreplay and oral sex. I had a partner that did not enjoy oral sex.  She preferred reaching climax through fingering, so that is mostly what our sex was.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

What do girls do differently than guys during cunnilingus?

Woman #1: I have only been with women so I can’t answer this. Try asking a bisexual woman who enjoys receiving oral sex.

Woman #2: I have never been with a man, so I am not sure.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

Advice on pleasing a woman?

Woman #1: There’s a really funny skit out on the Internet right now told from the lesbians point of view on how heterosexual men just need to ask their woman daily how they’re doing and they’re failing, so women are sliding in the lesbian category because they are receiving more attention. I have found that honesty is the best way of pleasing a woman, being real, being authentic, being me. Sexually, I think being open and communicating what you like and don’t like, and being able to take some chances. Pleasing your woman is about listening to her needs and her wants. If you ask her, she should be able to tell you what she wants.

Woman #2: Find out what she wants and try to have an open dialogue about it.  If she can direct you and you can follow directions, you will be in a good place. Be open to feedback. How specific am I supposed to get?  Some things I have had some success with… Learn how to multitask.  Can you orally stimulate the clitoris while penetrating with your fingers?  I was also once given the advice to count to 9 while fingering.  I don’t think you need to actually count to 9, but the concept makes sense.  The idea is that you would stimulate the “G-Spot”/”up” 9 times then countdown.  Stimulate the “G-Spot” 8 times and penetrate deeper/”in” 1 time.  Then seven times “up” and two times “in.”  6/3, 5/4, 4/5, 3/6…until you get to the opposite of where you started, 9 “in.” Does that make sense?  TMI? Whatever. Ultimately, you need to know what your partner wants, but I have had success with both of those tips.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

What’s it like?

Woman #1: How does it feel being sexually intimate with a woman? How does it make you feel? Feels pretty damn good to me. Makes me come back again and again!

Woman #2: Like there is an even distribution of pleasure. Sorry, I am unsure of what the “it” is, but hope the other answers cover it.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

What is the #1 thing that porn portrays that just don’t work in real life? Tribbing, double-ended dildos, etc.?

Woman #1: Not all lesbians have platinum blonde hair, Long fingernails, And keep their stockings on during sex. I need real. Different hair colors, tattoos, not sloppy kissing and not a performance.

Woman #2: The few times I have seen “lesbian” porn, the women were wearing baseball tees.  I have not yet worn a baseball tee during sex.  One thing that sticks out is female ejaculation.  I once saw a video that showed a woman “squirting” several feet. I have had a front row seat to this a few times, and it did not go several feet (maybe my face created a barrier?).  It could be different for different women, but I have experienced it with two different women and it kind of just came out. Quickly, but not with force. I don’t feel that porn portrays lesbian sex accurately at all.  There is a great YouTube video, “Real lesbians react to lesbian porn.”  It sums up my feelings pretty well. Buzzfeed also has a video, “lesbians critique lesbian porn.”

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

 

Are you tired of getting asked how you “do it”?

Woman #1: I am always getting asked this question. Sometimes it’s from a really curious person, other times it stems from ignorance. Let me put it to you this way; I don’t walk up to a straight couple and ask them how they do it. It’s the same for a homosexual couple, there are no missing parts for any couple. When I’m talking to my friends about sex, I don’t ever feel like I’m informing them on something they didn’t know, sometimes they’re informing me on things I didn’t know. Example, my friends and I were talking about sex and in conversation, I learned that one of my friends prefers anal. I would’ve never known that had we not talked about it, but I also didn’t walk up to her and ask her how she likes to have sex with her husband.

Woman #2: It depends on where the question is coming from.  Is the person asking to learn and understand or is the person trying to be a jerk?  I don’t mind talking to someone that I am comfortable with for education. I do mind when someone starts the conversation with something like, “is it even real sex? How do you ‘do it’?”  I think I am more tired of being asked how I know I’m a lesbian if I have never been with a man.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

How common is it to use a strap-on on your partner?

Woman #1: I have been in several relationships where a strap-on was not permitted and I have been in several relationships where a strap-on is encouraged. In my current relationship, I would say that a strap on is used 25% of the time.

Woman #2: I have never used a strap-on, and only one of my partners has asked me to.  I didn’t feel comfortable with the request, and she respected it.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

Is it about the understanding and commonalities you share as women?

Woman #1: I think this is a very interesting question. In my current relationship, I am with a feminine woman with masculine energy, I myself, have a masculine exterior with a feminine energy. I am more emotional, less logical. Although we are two women, we couldn’t be more different than one another. We have several things in common with other couples. We like to go to the movies, we like to go out to eat, we like to spend our time in bars, we enjoy intellectual conversation, we also enjoy being stupid. We are together because we are attracted to one another, the differences attracted us to each other. I don’t often feel that I’m engaged to a woman, to me she’s just my person.

Woman #2: I think it is helpful to know what I like, but I still need to know what my partner wants.  Everyone is different.  When I am with someone new, if she isn’t directing me, I can think of what I enjoy, but she knows best what she wants.  I don’t think you need to be a woman to find out what your partner likes.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

What are your favorite toys?

Woman #1: I have always been a fan of wearing a strap-on, recently I have tried Ben wah balls, those were pretty fun. I’m a huge fan of the vibrator. Simple.

Woman #2: I don’t use any.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

I know in my heterosexual relationship, there has been an “off limits” zone when giving oral, and I know that you have a plethora of toys at your disposal. But my question is, do you feel like your relationship is more open to oral? Anywhere?

Woman #1: I think being a lesbian, a lot of people assume that oral sex is a must or expected. But realistically, I have been with people who do not like oral or to give oral they prefer fingers, toys, etc. So I think every person is completely different when it comes to this topic. I know, personally, I enjoy giving and receiving oral sex, but, A heterosexual woman may not like giving blowjobs or receiving oral sex, everybody has their preferences. I think everybody should make a list of there “must have,” “maybe” and “no.” I say this because when you’re sexually active with your partner, it’s nice to be on the same page of things that you, “must have” that your partner must do for you, the “maybe,” for things that you may be willing to try, and “no” for, not going there. An example would be a must for me is oral sex a maybe for me is anal beads, and a no for me is a gag ball (I’ve actually never tried this… Hmmm).

Woman #2: My relationships have been open to oral.  I feel that oral is typically green light when you become intimate within the lesbian community.  It isn’t 100%, but 100% of my 8+ partners have been ok with it.   And where are we talking about with the anywhere?  I am going to assume this is an anal question since that is in close proximity to my assumed oral.  That has been a preference thing you need to find out about.  That is not an assumed green light, and I have had far less partners express that as something they were interested in.

Woman #3: COMING SOON.

Woman #4: COMING SOON.

A giant thank you to our question askers + EXTRA SPECIAL thanks to our wonderfully loving and open women who took the time to answer these questions. ❤️

We also received questions about bisexual sex, gay sex, and questions about sex for transgender people. If you identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or are transgender and are interested in answering some questions anonymously, please let us know!

 

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